Nourishment

It is difficult to take distance from one's own thoughts. Their merge with my being, creating structures my thinking mind and my personality-building ego rely upon. How one sees oneself depends on the thoughts that are taught. Without the thoughts, I just simply am. Without any description, without a persona. I believe I have distilled a new, much-needed practice for myself – taking a distance from identifying with my thoughts, knowing that I simply am in the gaps between my mind’s creations. My mind is very active, very creative, and very persuasive. It makes me believe in my own interpretations of things and hold firmly to the meanings. The medicine work has shown me many times now how fragile my mindsets are and how clingy their illusions become to my everyday thinking process. Each time it breaks, it’s like an ego shattering in the pain of lost identity. Other times, just by observing the diversity of mental impressions, it creates pain through shame and self-judgement because it does not correlate with linear concepts of the simple material aspect of reality. Other times I do not fully understand what my mind is producing, and I get confused, for it created tension without tangible meaning. I say, I start channelling; thoughts reach out to my mind word by word, creating meaningful sentences and whole paragraphs that I hadn't foreseen before beginning to write, and the facts revealed through it sometimes are unknown to my knowledge base, so I have to research it in order to prove to myself how legitimate the information is. That convinces me until some extent that my brain is not soft and something of value is being produced through such a stream. I am curious and would like to develop it. But it is not always so clear, and the other times my thoughts resemble a blurry mass with thought streams that feel misguiding, and I somehow feel like it wants me to believe in it and then follow this guidance. I often end up in conflict with myself in my mind, because the thought stream is not always right and confuses me instead of bringing lightness, clarity, and ease. It often then comes in combination with headaches and fatigue. And I have arrived at the point where realisation struck me, saying that those thoughts are not me. If I can take just one step aside from it, I am in a grounded, faithful, serene inner space. That’s how my inner being feels more like me. It turns out – my thoughts are not me. And although I experience a great sense of fulfilment through communication and writing things down, my thoughts are still not me. It is but a stream that flows through me. Always changing, always bringing something new to be discovered, to be contemplated about. But those are passing things, and the identification with the temporary is most likely to become a stagnant state of rigidity. I’d rather feel free, feel open, feel undefined in that regard from time to time. So that I could decompress, release tension, release stress and hopefully, through means of that, become a better channel for the positive effect bringing a flow of ideas.

The mind produces a constant flow of thoughts. Some are random, casual, everyday-like, others jump out of the box, became irrational, reflecting paranoid thinking or even other-dimensional truths. The mind then convinces us to believe in those thoughts, creating realities upon realities upon realities, where each and every one of them are an illusion in and of itself, based on some beliefs stemming from childhood’s wounds being reflected through everyday interactions or wishful thinking. Other times our ego takes charge, and a bubble of self-image through the power of thoughts is created – a persona, an imaginary image of oneself. The mind creates all kinds of phenomenologically explainable scenarios, but we – the holders of the power of the mind – become the mind’s slaves and give the power we hold over it away for it to be in charge of us. And so a persona is created, a bubble of images reflecting the behaviours towards us, the likelihood of successes and failures, our attitude towards life and living creatures around us in the end. It can make us believe the most delusionary things.

But as I like to say, at least for me, the indicator is always what effect those thoughts, those beliefs, those images created in my mind's eye have. There’s no need to fight about my truth, your truth or somebody else’s way of seeing things. It is safe to assume that whatever the mind produces, no matter how many people around us conform with that idea (like, e.g., matter being a solid form), it is delusionary by nature. The thinking process cannot grasp the totality of nature’s existence. Thus, no powerful thought can ever explain it or put it into words. And what we believe is simply a creation of those illusions our minds produce. But how to orient oneself in this foggy forest of the mind, giving no space for a breather of silence and other-dimensional perspectives? As I said before, one option is not to judge the thoughts by the meaning they carry but by the effects they result in after becoming a part of our inner being. If a thought pattern or a belief contributes to my overall wellbeing, nourishes kindness towards my living environment, calls for an action of inspiration or contributes to living from the values I stand for, I call it a “good” thought – the one that adds to my experience on our planetary body. Thus, I nourish myself with my thoughts first. Or at least I pay attention to it, knowing how dangerous a rogue thought can be, creating realities upon realities upon realities, just to confirm its deeming value.

My thoughts can be misguiding. And I have gone the path they laid for me way too many times without pondering about the consequences of those journeys. Seeming delight is a joyful thought that can appear in a time when feeling into one’s pain is of the essence for overall maturing processes.

And I start to realise that the foundation in life is not one’s job, house and a romantic involvement with someone but the habits we create that sustain our everyday wellbeing and nourish us gently from inside, giving us a stable core, an uplifting environment to live in and something little to look forward to every day.

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